Clarity...

"People who lack the clarity, courage, or determination to follow their own dreams will often find ways to discourage yours.  Live your truth and don't EVER stop!" ~ Steve Maraboli

I was reading my friend Jen's book this morning, "WTF to OMG, The frazzled female's guide to creating a life you love", and got to a section on clarity.  Clarity - am I leading the life I want and if not, how do I get clear on exactly what I want?

The good thing is that I am leading the life I want right now.  Are there tweaks to make, sure, but on the whole all is well.  But it wasn't always that way.  Unfortunately, when I was ready for some change, I didn't have Jen's book.  What I did have though was a fantastic role model, Leslie, that appeared at exactly the right time to teach me what I wanted to know just by living her life.  Funny how that works once your are open to it!

It wasn't just Jen's book that got me thinking about where I am and whether or not I have everything I want.  It is also because my friends birthday is coming up.  It will be the first birthday since he died last year.

Death, especially the death of someone young, can be an excellent catalyst to re-evaluate where you are in life.  Last summer was a bit of a rough ride.  Within a couple of months I lost three people to cancer.  One was a mentor to me when I came to work in Calgary, the other a family friend, and then there was my good friend Andrew.  

Andrew and I were roomies in university.  He was eight years younger than me and became like the little brother I never had, seeing as I am an only kid.  Once we were out of school we moved to different provinces but we were always in touch.  First it was by email, then chatting online, and once texting became all the rage, we would text on an almost daily basis. Even when we were in the same province it was our daily texts that kept us in touch, and the odd phone call.  He was an incredible person and he made a difference in my life.  Although he was younger, he was a good role model of how to live your life the way you want to.  I take comfort in knowing that although he was only 35 years old when he died, he did a lot in his life!

He wasn't the first close friend I have lost to cancer and who was far too young.  My friend "Tigger" was only 46 years old.  She too had also achieved many dreams and her death was a kick in my pants to get going on some things, like moving back to my home province.

So as I read Jen's book and thought about Andrews upcoming birthday, I thought to myself is there anything I want to work on?  Where am I and where do I want to be?

Thankfully I am in a good place.  Like I said though, I have been working on getting here for a while.  About nine years now that I think about it.  Wow, time flies!

I just recently tweaked where I was in my career.  I spent several years working as an engineer.  As much as I love the science behind engineering, my jobs did not make my heart sing.  I used to get really frustrated by that and as I changed jobs looking for that spark, I would think, 'How come I can't get to where I want??'

Last summer I was back in that place of not liking my job.  Sure, I liked the peeps I worked with but the job itself was one I didn't leap out of bed for.  Finally I took the time to sit and think, okay, what gives me energy, and what takes it away?  I made a mental list and I visualized it.  I didn't have a job in mind, but I took the time to clarify on the characteristics of the job.  Soon after, a job posting came up and I thought, hmmm, this might tick a few boxes!  I called a friend who worked in the department and started asking questions.   The more I learned about the job, the more I wanted it and felt it would be a good fit.

The long and short of it is, I got the job.  But not without a lot of work!  See, getting clarity is only the first step, then you have to be prepared to work for it.  I studied for a month to prepare for the written test I would have to take.  Every single day I went through a reference book that related to the job and I gained knowledge in the areas that I needed to.  I reinforced the information I knew, but hadn't used in a long time.  This also provided me with an opportunity to make sure this was truly the path I wanted to take.  Sometimes we forget that when things take a little longer, it can because it is giving you time to focus in on your true goals and really making sure you want this.  It's not to discourage you from achieving that goal.

I am still in training for the job, classroom and field, but my field experience has shown me that I am on the right path. I have also given thanks for all the jobs I had that didn't light my fire.  The skills I learned in those jobs got me to where I am today and helped me get the job.

After I got my new job I thought of a conversation I had with a senior person in my organization a couple of years prior.  I remember telling her that I would love to do this particular job in my region.  Her response was very swift and admittedly took the wind out of me. (Amazing what words can physically do.)  She said I was not qualified and couldn't get the job. Bam, just like that, end of story.  It's a good thing I no longer believe people when they tell me I can't do something.  In fact, I had forgotten about the conversation until I was actually in the new job!  Then I thought, well now, I guess I AM qualified!

This is just one example of several that have happened to me over the years.  I am still working on gaining skills that will allow me to make my new job exactly what I want.  I used to be impatient to learn everything, but now I savour the process.   I have learned to do this in all areas of my life too - my health, wellness, family, friends etc.

I have realized who I want to be and have become that person, no apologies. Tigger and Andrew were great examples of people who were like that and I am so thankful that they were in my life even if it wasn't for as long as I would have liked.  Jen and Leslie continue to be wonderful examples as well.

I think it's good to take the time to look at your life and see what areas need clarity.  Even if you are where you want to be, is there anything else you want to move towards?  Jens book and Andrews upcoming birthday were good reminders to me to take a moment to reflect on where I am...

Peace out my lovelies...maybe take a moment today to get clarity about where you want to be in life and what your goals are.

A Shift In Thinking...

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it." ~ Eckhart Tolle

Ever have one of those moments, or several, where you have learned something new and are so excited about it that you think everyone else should do what you are doing?  Think about when you first started running and felt amazing.  You thought, 'Everyone should be doing this to feel amazing!'. Thing is...not everyone likes to run.  Some will never like running even if they give it a try.

For many years I struggled with GI issues.  Since I was a kid actually.  I tried various different things to get relief and eventually I found it by following a whole food plant based (WFPB) way of eating.  It's not a good idea to just throw oneself into a PB diet.  For one, like anyway of eating, you want to make sure you are getting all your vitamins and minerals etc.  So I did some research.  The more I researched, the more I decided that this was the way all folks should be eating!  Not only because of the animal rights issue, but also for environmental and health reasons.  I won't go into the nitty gritty reasoning behind each reason because that would take forever.

Suffice it to say, it's for those three reasons that I have maintained this way of eating.

As I read that statement it makes it sound like it's not a fun way to eat and I am forced to do this, but that's not the case.  I eat a lot of yummy food and the foods I don't eat, donuts, chips, etc, I don't miss in the least.

Right, so I have established that I love the way I eat, that I get excited when I read information about it and like most, I want to share that info.  Here's the thing though...when it comes to food, one has to be very careful about standing on a soapbox and saying 'MY WAY IS BEST!'.   No matter what they think.

As much as I would love if the world switched it's way of eating, for the three reasons listed above, I know that I don't want to be told how to eat, so I don't tell anyone else.

That doesn't mean I don't think it though...

When I see friends getting sick over and over again with colds and flus I think, 'You know, if you switched how you ate you wouldn't get sick...I never get sick.'

I know, I know...thinking that way is almost as bad as saying it!  It's judging and I despise judgment!  I didn't realize I was doing it though until last week when I got sick!  In the midst of my feverish delirium I recognized that even if you eat a WFPB diet, you can still get sick.  MY IMMUNE SYSTEM WAS NOT BOMBPROOF!  Sigh...  As I sat propped up on the couch I let that thought sink in.  It was then I realized just how much I would look at folks and think 'If only you...' and I felt horrible.

But sometimes we need to feel horrible to make a shift in thinking.  I do think that I stay relatively healthy because I choose to put good nutrition into my body.  It's like the computer acronym 'GIGO' - garbage in, garbage out.  However, it doesn't give me the right to judge or think that others should do exactly what I am doing no matter what.

So see, sometimes it's good to get sick.  It gives you time to reflect on some of the ideas you have and determine if you still want to proceed with them, or if you want to make a shift in that thinking.

Peace out my lovelies!

Walk...Run...Run!!!

"Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up." ~ Dean Karnazes

To say I was a wreck this past week would be an understatement.  I was out Sunday afternoon and could feel a 'tickle' in my lungs and a headache hovering within my entire skull.  Hmmm...  I take pride in the fact that I listen to my body and knew my body was telling me something.  I had fought off cold symptoms most of the Christmas break, but this was something different.

I used to boast 'I don't get colds or flus' and really, I don't.  Or didn't...

I went home and took it easy.  I figured this would be like everything else, I would just get a few mild symptoms that I could sleep off and all would be well.   That evening I was tossing and turning so badly I decided to go out to the couch so I didn't wake my sweet M.

Brr, I thought.  Why can't I warm up.  I had the serious chills.  So I wrapped my head in a fleece blanket, put another blanket around my shoulders and piled blankets on the rest of my body.  This in addition to my wearing fleece pi's.  And I was still shaking.

This was not a good sign.

I didn't sleep well.  After my sweet M woke up to go to work, I slithered into our bed.  Ugh...I hurt.  Everything hurt.  No, not hurt...it ached.  Everything ached and it was really really hot.  I was starting to worry that I would be a victim of spontaneous internal combustion!  At some point my body's defence kicked in and I passed out, thankfully.  When I woke up I went online and did a search on cold vs flu symptoms.

Aches - check
Fever - check
Cough - check
Runny nose - check

It was official.  I had the flu.

Things, of course, only got worse as then tend to do in the midst of fighting a virus.  I will spare you the details as I am sure they are the same details many who have fought the flu this season are aware of and don't want to relive.  Let's just say though that changing your pi's three times in one night because you have sweat through them when doing absolutely nothing is really quite icky.

Aside from a trip to the doctor to make sure I didn't have bronchitis or pneumonia settling in too, I kept myself inside and away from people for five days.  In addition to not wanting to spread anything, I was worried my formerly robust, yet now wimpy, immune system might pick up some other horrid virus.  I don't do 'sick' well and wanted to get better asap.

This morning I decided it was time to sneak in a little exercise.  To not exercise for five days straight is bizarre to me.  I thrive on working out and I live for my runs through the woods.  Today I NEEDED to get outside and into my happy place.  It was time.

I started to coach myself as I got ready...

Okay Sus, no going crazy out there.  You just spent the better part of a week either in bed or on the couch in a state of delirium.  You still have a bit of a cough and have asthma, so you don't want to do something that would compromise how good you are finally feeling. You have nothing to prove. You don't have to go out there and run your normal route or at the same speed.  In fact, you should walk.  Just walk.  Even though you are putting on your running gear, don't run.  Well, maybe toss in a few running steps just for the heck of it.  But whatever you do, don't run...

Those of you who know me know where this is going...

I went outside and took a hesitantly deep breath.  There was a tickle, but I didn't cough.  This is good.   I started walking.  Geez it was a bit cooler out then I thought.  I then gave thanks that I don't live anywhere that it's minus a billion right now!  I thought of running.  But I didn't.  I had a decent pace going.  I walked around my neighbourhood on the same route I usually run.  But I didn't run.

Up the hill I went and turned right.  Here we go...the trailhead.  I could feel my spirits soar.  Once in the trees I thought, 'Maybe I will just run easy on the downhill...'  So I started to run.  Huh, that doesn't feel too bad.

A huge dog came by to say hello.  I gave him a good scratch behind the ears and said hello to its owner and kept going.  I got to an uphill.  Well, maybe I will just chi run up it...

It's quite a long hill, but my breathing wasn't out of control so I figured I would run until the suspension bridge then turn around.   I got to the suspension bridge then thought, 'It's so beautiful in here, maybe I will just run to 30ft pool...but not the stairs!'  So I ran...

I got to the stairs and thought, 'Well, I should just do the loop.  It's not that much farther and I can walk slowly up the stairs...'  So up I went.  200 + stairs.  They went much quicker than normal for some reason.

And I kept going that way through the trails.  You know what?  It was GLORIOUS!  My spirit needed to be out there and I needed to run.  I made my way home, running the whole darn way.  What was supposed to have been a walk with some teeny tiny spurts of running was a five minute walk and 55 minute run.  Ooops.

I make no apologies.  I am a runner and I love being in the trees.  Once in their I throw all caution to the wind and become a long haired leaping gnome!  It's like I can't help it!  (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Thankfully I still feel well and I promise to rest the remainder of the day.  Honest...

Peace out my lovelies...

Sharing Joy...

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure,  joy follows like a shadow that never leaves." ~ Buddha


The other day I stumbled across a video.  It was actually embedded in another article.  The video was of a train - a heritage train to be exact.  Now, I must say I am not a train buff.  I love trains and was super excited to get to travel Germany and Holland last year by train, but that's about the extent of it.  Oh, and I have a dream of going across Canada on a train.  Okay, so maybe I do really like trains.  But I don't know anything about them and I don't seek them out or anything.

I would be safe to say my joy of trains is not 1 millionth the joy that the fellow filming this particular video has for trains!  First, I would ask you to enjoy the short video...

When I watched it I was a little blown away by his excitement and thought 'uhm, it's just a train...'.   Then this morning I was driving into work and it was nice and quiet, which it usually is at 5:30am...but I digress.   I was driving in and it was nice and quiet when suddenly I thought of train guy and I felt this surge of joy wash over me!

I felt this joy because even though I don't get that excited about trains, I was so happy that HE felt that joy!  I can only assume that this is what parents feel when they see their little one get great joy out of the simplest of things.  Kids are great for that.  They will look at a dandelion and feel pure joy over the sunshiny yellow colour or how fluffy it is!

It got me thinking, as I like to do.  We all have days when things just aren't going our way and maybe we aren't feeling a heck of a lot of joy.  But what if on those days we tap into something like this guys joy?  Kind of like borrowing his joy!  It doesn't matter if whatever is giving them joy would give us joy.  We aren't looking at that, we are looking at the person and sharing what they feel.

If we focus on someone how someone else is feeling a ton of joy and we celebrate their joy, well then wouldn't that be like feeling joy?  And wouldn't that be enough to bring us out of our slump.  Or maybe at the very least it will put off how cruddy we happen to feel for just a moment.

Something to ponder perhaps...

Peace out my smiling happy friends!!

Dear Gym Guy...

"To keep the body in good health is a duty...otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha

Dear Mr. New to the Gym (or perhaps new to this time slot...),

Okay, so this is a work gym.  It's nothing fancy, although we do get new equipment now and then.  I like it.  The folks here, when I am, are quite nice.  We say hello, and then get about the task at hand.  Those of us here at the 5:45 to 6:30 am slot have been coming here for a while.  

So I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don't know some things because I have never seen you in there before and you appeared to be reading off of a new workout program sheet.   Take, for instance, etiquette.  There is unspoken gym etiquette I feel I must make you aware of...

a) Do NOT come in and change the radio station (even though I prefer CBC Radio 2 to Jack FM, as you apparently do).  The first in gets the priviledge of setting it no matter how heinous.  

b) Do NOT set up ALL your barbells, dumbells, benches etc across the entire front of the gym, then ask me to 'watch myself' when you decide to use one of these pieces of equipment even though I was there first, doing a set of curls.  YOU are the one who should move your stuff.  You are lucky Buddha girl was in the house this mornin', else you might have had to duck as a 15lb weight came flying your way.  Normally I would not even think of such violence, but point c) was ready to drive me to it.

c) Do NOT wear gym clothes that you have not washed since 8th grade.  I am Dutch and have a substantial and most sensitive nose.  It's not polite to make someone dry heave at 6 am in the morning!  I can't even begin to describe what you smelled like.  And it was rather odd that you did considering the rest of you looked very well put together, from your black knee brace, black shorts, black shirt, and black workout gloves.  Not a hair was out of place either.  Come to think of it, did you sweat? 

If you should follow these rules you may survive to workout another day.

Respectfully,

Fellow gym members who have been there longer than you.

PS Gym gloves are so 80s...ditch them.  Callouses are good for you.  :) 

Peace out.

Trapped!!!

"Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength." ~ Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

As some folks know, I volunteer on the weekends.  As I was leaving my volunteer location today I had a bit of excitement.  You see, I volunteer at a seniors care facility.  And a lot of the folks have various levels of dementia.  Ergo some can't be allowed to wander off outside of the home as they may get lost or hurt.   These folks wear a little device that will signal when they are near the automatic public doors, which are left unlocked for visitors, staff and volunteers.  If a resident with said device gets too close, a wee alarm goes off and the doors won't open.   The doors are the usual automatic ones like you would see at a store.

What can be amusing, or so I thought prior to today, is sometimes a resident will wander near the doors and boom, they lock and the person goes and takes a seat on one of the comfy chairs near the door.  They seem not to notice as the alarm goes off.  The doors remain locked and the alarm remains to go off until one of the staff comes down to fetch the resident and guide them back to one of the other areas.  I have witnessed this, but on that day, I was trying to get in so was safely outside.

Today, as I am leaving, I get through one set of doors when I am stopped, in the vestibule between the doors, by a women who has never been there.  She asks me where to go to find one of the residents.  Hmm, there is no front desk staff on weekends, I say.  I recommend she should find one of the nurses as I am just a volunteer and don't have access to information.  She asks if I may know of the person.  I say I might, what is their name?

At this point both doors on either side of the vestibule shut...and the alarm starts to go.  Oh geez.  The lady looks at me confused...what's happening??  Uh, well, we are locked in here.  It's possible a resident is near the doors and they lock when they are.  I start to look for a resident but see no one.

I see there is a punch code box, so I punch in the code.  How happy am I that I asked what it was today as I had forgotten??!!   Unfortunately nothing happens.  Nuts.  I try another code.  Maybe I had forgotten it.  By now the lady is asking me lots of questions.   I am trying to get us out, not panic, and answer her questions.

Now it's not like there is any need to panic...but I can feel it slowly start to creep up within me.  I do not like confined spaces.  I don't care that both the doors and side panels are windows that I can see through.   The doors won't open, which means that I am TRAPPED! TRAPPED I SAY!!  I resist the urge to start pacing like a caged animal.   The lady must have sensed my concern as she stopped talking.

Then I spot someone.  It looks like someone who works here.  Hello! I begin to mouth the words, HELP, but he doesn't make eye contact. And then he turns and walks the other way.  I think to myself, What. The. Heck?!  (Okay, it's possible I thought of a stronger word, but this is a family blog...)

Okay, breath, breath.  I figure if need be I can just start knitting.  I have my knitting here. I will just plunk my butt down on this hard cold floor and start to knit.  I have 1/4 of a sock to do. That should keep my busy.  Not to mention this will distract me enough to possibly quell my panic.

About this time a fellow arrives outside.  "The doors are locked and we are stuck I say."  I resist the urge to scream  SAVE ME!!!!  BREAK THESE DOORS DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!

He is obviously new to this scene.  He takes out some forms and looks through them.  Then he tries a code.  Nothing.  He looks back at me helplessly.  Eep.  He doesn't have the code he says.  He is sure it is this, and tries to enter the numbers, which are the same ones I enter.

Nuts.  It's likely that we are entering the right code and the doors, for whatever reason, have generated a mind of their own and are refusing to open no matter what.  I resist the urge of blaming the lady for getting us into this situation.  Why oh why did I not talk to her while I was OUTSIDE the doors???

I then see the fellow that had come down the hall has come back and he's brought reinforcements.  Hurrah!! You aren't a wanker after all!!  The nurse tries the code.  She tries again.  Nothing.  Nuts!!

I have now sent my guy a text.  I am stuck between the doors at the home.  I decide not to add that I am ready to have a spazz attack.  At least I have contact with the outside world.

The folks inside leave.  I assume they are a) either going to call the door people, or b) getting reinforcements or c) finding something we can pry the doors open with.  They look like thick double paned glass so the likelihood of smashing through them is a no go, although at one point I did think of hurling my body at them.  I also tried pushing REALLY hard to no avail.

While all this is going on I still have to intermittently explain to the lady trapped in there with me what is going on.  I continue to focus on my Buddha breath.

Finally another lady comes down with the non wanker and the nurse.  She punches in a code.  Voila!  The doors open!

I lunge outside and take deep breaths.  Oh sweet beautiful rainforest air how I love you!!  INHALE...EXHALE....

As I stand OUTSIDE the doors, I inform my fellow trappee that she should likely speak to one of the nurses who broke us out of our jail and they would help her find her friend or loved one.

Mental note, do NOT linger inside the door vestibule.

Oh, I should perhaps mention, ahem, that this likely took a total of five minutes of my life.   It's amazing what being trapped for even a short amount of time can do to a persons ability to think rationally...

Peace out my lovelies...

Ode To My Grannybear...

"Pay attention to the world around you, to the leaves and the flowers, to the birds and the rain.  If you can stop and look deeply, you will recognize your beloved manifesting again and again in many forms." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Today would have been my Grannybears (grandmothers) 97th birthday.  Although she has been gone for three years now, her spirit and love live on in her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and all who ever knew her.

This time of year is always emotional for me. My Granny and I had an amazing bond starting from the day I was born.  One that, despite her not being physically present, is still as strong as it was when she was here.  I guess because of that, for a few days before her birthday I can feel my emotions well up and I spend a lot of time with tears ready to well over.   Then her birthday comes and the tears flow.  To be honest, this behaviour of mine ticks me off.  For one, from the time my Granny was in her 70s she always said to me 'I have had a great life - if I go tomorrow it will be ok'.  Usually when she said this I would say 'Well I'm glad you are okay with that but I'm going to be selfish and say that I don't want you to go!!'  She would always laugh at that.

Today I took the day off work to make the trek over to the island where she lived and where I would go visit her all the time.  I will apologize now for not telling my family (parental unit, cousins, aunts and uncles) that I was doing this...and that I didn't visit you guys as well.   The thing is, I used to go visit Granny all the time on my own and I just felt that I needed to go alone this time as well.  Ever since I was a wee one I would visit on my own.  (Of course it was visiting Granny and Grandpa up till I was 16, then just Granny.)   In fact, my mom said that the first time they went to leave me alone with my Granny and Grandpa they were worried I would have a bit of a fit of separation anxiety.  Apparently after mom set me down I turned around said bye-bye and shut the door on my parental unit.  No worries there!  But I digress.

I took the ferry over to the island with one purpose - to walk the waterfront like Granny and I used to do and to think of all the wonderful memories I had of her.  If I cried, well so be it.  I was going to try not to though.

Granny was one of the greatest influences on who I have become - whether by genetics or example. I learned a lot from her and hope that who I am represents the qualities she taught me.  So who was my Granny?  Well she was someone with an amazing sense of humour, she was smart, down to earth, and typically Dutch in that she was stubborn and would say it like it was - although always in a kind way.  She was an amazing listener and was never judgemental. She was very social and had a lot of friends. She always got the facts before making a decision.  She was practical about things.  She was the best dang Granny a kid could ever have.   So here are some of the stories and memories I thought of today as I walked along the waterfront like we used to do...

With all my weepiness I thought about the fact that I don't recall ever seeing my Granny cry, except for once...which was actually a fake out.  When I was a little kid I decided that I wasn't going to eat anything with 'specks' on it.  (Parents will appreciate this story I'm sure.)  Can anyone define what a 'speck' is?  I didn't think so.  I think the only one who knew what specks looked like was me, which made feeding me quite challenging.  At one point during this stage we were at my Grandparents and I wouldn't eat.  We were in the kitchen - just me and Granny.  She put breakfast out for me and I wouldn't eat it - the toast had specks.  So she covered her face and pretended to cry and said 'Oh I'm so sad, Sue won't eat the food I made' (or something of that nature).  Well heaven forbid I make my Granny cry!  So from that day on I pretty much gobbled up everything in front of me.

Granny always did make the most amazing food.  To this day her potato salad recipe is held in very high regard!  And her cookies.  No one has ever been able to make speculaas or chocolate chip cookies like she used to make.  When I was in university in the east, my Granny would make several batches of both cookies, then package them up in extra large Rice Krispies boxes and send them to me via Canada Post.  Of course they would arrive addressed to 'Sweet Sue' (she remains the only one who would be allowed to call me Sue I may add...) and they would be mostly in bits.  That didn't stop me or my roommates from devouring them (when I let them have a few crumbs).  We would pour the cookie crumbs and bits into bowls and eat them with spoons!

And let us not forget the blackberry jam she used to make!  I have only tasted jam once that was remotely like what she made - and for some reason it came from France.  Who knew they had blackberries there??  There was a whole row of blackberry bushes beside Granny's house and her and I (and I'm sure the other grandkids) would take our gallon ice cream buckets and delicately pick those blackberry bushes clean.  It was well worth all the stabs and scrapes from the thorns just to have some of her jam or compote once it was made.

She loved putting blackberry compote on vanilla ice cream.  Ice cream was a weakness for my Granny.  Well, ice cream and cheese...but never together.   Without fail, she would always have a gallon pail of Island Farms ice cream.  Raspberry swirl, chocolate swirl, and sometimes just vanilla.  (I personally loved when I got to choose the flavour!)  At one point she decided to store it in the freezer in the carport.  I asked her why and she said so she didn't eat two bowls of it after dinner.  I asked how that was working out for her...she laughed and replied that at least she got a bit of exercise walking out to get her first and second helpings!

I loved going over to visit her.   She was so much fun to hang out with!  When we lived back east I would fly out on my own during summer break and stay for weeks at a time.  We would go down to the beach and collect seashells and walk.  She was the one that taught me the healing powers of salt water.  Whenever my allergies were bugging me, which was all summer, she would take me down for a swim in the ocean.   It always worked at cleaning out my sinuses!  As I grew older, and after we moved back here, I would go over just to hang out.  She could always tell if I was troubled by something but she never pried.  Instead she would let me talk when I needed to or she would just be present if I didn't want to talk.  That is a HUGE gift to a kid.  Her ability to do that always seemed to make things better.  It was like her presence was enough to help me figure out what to do.

A lot of times when I was there we would walk.  Granny was huge into walking.  She taught me the importance of being healthy and making sure you did some form of exercise. Even when I was a little kid we would walk for hours.  We would walk to Bowen or Beban park where she would take me swimming or to the petting zoo.  I think she was the one to take me on my first trail walk!  We would walk down at the waterfront.  Pretty much everywhere.  Even when her eyesight started to fail, she would walk.

In fact, she was never one to be still.  If she wasn't walking she was out driving somewhere.  She loved to drive.  She was the one who would pick up all her friends to go play bridge, which was most nights of the week.  It got to be a joke that we would have to make an appointment to see her as her calendar was full up with bridge nights!  She was also a speed demon - despite the fact that her car wasn't that speedy.  I recall vividly driving down the Malahat with her towards Victoria.  She decided to pass a truck that wasn't going fast enough for her.  As we are passing I see another vehicle heading straight for us.  At this point I am silently praying to God, Buddha, Allah you name it.  I am wishing the car was a Flintstones car so I can help it get past the dang truck!  My nails started to dig into the armrest...  We just make it past the truck when the other vehicle goes by.  "I knew this old girl had it in her" she says smiling!  I am not sure when I started breathing again but it took a few minutes!

She loved her car.  It wasn't anything fancy, but she took very good care of it.  She told me once that Grandpa said to take the time to sit and listen to the car when it has just been tuned up.  That way you'll know if something starts to sound off.  One day it did so she took it into the shop.  The fellow gave her some spiel about what needed to be done, but it didn't sound right to her.  So she called up my dad and said what sounds she was hearing and what the guy said had to be done.  He was familiar with the car and advised that it sounded like they were making more work than need be.  So she asked my dad what exactly would have to be done - step by step.  She wrote everything down, and then checked to make sure she had it right.  Then she memorized it.  The next day she went back into the shop and talked to the same fellow and she called him out.  She said she thought he was giving her the run around because she was elderly.  Then she told him exactly what she thought was the problem and exactly what steps would need to be taken to fix it.   I so wish I had been there...I am sure his jaw hit the floor.  She said he apologized, got her some coffee and asked her to have a seat while they fixed things right away.  The car ran as it should after that.  He learned rule #1 that day, never ever ever mess with my Granny! She continued to go back there and always got preferential treatment, as she should!

As mentioned above, she did have her stubborn side.  It wasn't a stick in the mud stubborn thing, but there were times when she got an idea in her head, she would go with it and nothing was going to stop her.  I am sure my father will never forget one of these times...  I believe I was about 8 or 9 years old.  Granny decided I should have pierced ears.  I agreed with Granny (as I always did) that I definitely should have pierced ears.  My father, on the other hand, forbade it.  No, Susan did not need pierced ears and that was final.   Yeah right.  Very shortly after Granny took me on one of our Granny-Susan trips and bada bing, bada bang, I came home with pierced ears.  They were gold and amethyst studs if I recall correctly and I loved them.  My dad did not.  Ooops.

Stories, stories and more stories.  I guess when you live to 94 years old there are going to be a lot of stories about you!   Talking about Granny takes away the sadness of her not being here because it reminds me that she actually is here.  She is always with me in spirit.  She is here with me when I am knitting (which she was a master at!),  she is here with me when I watch Poirot (she loved mystery novels, especially Agatha Christie), and she is here with me whenever I am troubled with something and think 'What would Granny do?'  I make sure that I pass along stories to my cousin's kids because I want them to know what an amazing person she was.  She was an example for us all.

Happy Birthday Granny.  Lots you lots, Sweet Sue.

  Granny in her favourite chair. 

Granny and I at my graduation. Nope, no family resemblance there!  Ha ha

My Spirit Told Me To Run...

“Running! If there's any activity happier, more exhilarating, more nourishing to the imagination, I can't think of what it might be. In running the mind flees with the body, the mysterious efflorescence of language seems to pulse in the brain, in rhythm with our feet and the swinging of our arms.” ~ Joyce Carol Oates 

My inner spirit told me to run and so I did.  It's been a long time since I have run - months actually.  The hip issue that I have had for the past sixteen years, the one that comes and goes like an unruly sinusoidal wave had taken over my body, mind and spirit the past while.  At first when it strikes again I go into denial.  Then I get angry that my body is failing me.  Then I practice acceptance.  I say practice because I never seem to fully accept it when it happens.

This time I tried all those routes, but it kept getting worse.  Go figure, the moment I told myself that I needed to accept it for what it is and stop dwelling on it then it started to calm down.  I am a firm believer that if you are sending negative energy to a body part it will hurt even more - take it away and things get better.  And then there was going to acupuncture twice a week for the past couple of weeks!  Oh the stories I have from that...but that's for another day.

At first I didn't miss not running.  I did other things.  I knit, I walked, I volunteered, I worked and focussed on all the other stuff that can fill up our lives.  Then on Saturday I happened to see a photograph on my friend Mo's Facebook page.  It was some of her running buddies, "the Mochas" sitting in front of a cozy fireplace at a coffee shop post-run".  My heart twitched.

All day I thought about that photo.  I thought about how much I missed having a gang to run with on Saturday mornings.  I thought about how much I missed running.  Then I started to think about where I wanted to run...

The next morning I got on my gear and headed out.  It had been decided.  I would run.  I had first thought about hitting my beloved Rainforest trails, but for a first run I thought that might be a bit much. There is no flat in these here parts.  No, I would have to drive to get to flat.  And so I did.

I headed for the waterfront.  My second favourite place.  Actually, that's not true. It's a tie. I love the ocean as much as I love my evergreen treed mountains.

I had a plan.  I would walk a bit, then do some warmup moves, then start slowly and see how things felt.

I got a few hundred meters when I felt a niggly.  Rather than pushing it as I normally would, I stopped and stretched.  I did a forward fold and looked down past my feet.   As I did I noticed the bright green moss growing on the side of curb that defines the beach from the sidewalk.  How fantastically green it was compared to the grey of the sky, the sidewalk, the water!  I just hung there for a while admiring it's beauty.  Then I tried running again.  The niggly seemed to have passed.

As I sidestepped some deep puddles I looked out at the waterfront.  There were bright skies over Vancouver Island, or so it seemed.  Lots of sailboats were out as well - I gave them all imaginary high fives for being out there!  It was a cold rainy day.

I noticed that there are more artists centres going in along the beachfront.  I even stopped to look at what gallery opening was coming up.  I love that there is still funding for the arts - it's so important.

Then I got to the park where I hang out with my friends wee daughter while they have a little Mommy Daddy time sipping coffee's and snacking on treats.  This is where I taught her to climb the cargo net rope - the trick she apparently took with her to daycare the following week.  Oops.

I looked ahead to my target, the Dunderave pier.  It looked a bit far.  I felt good though so kept going.  Once at my target I stopped and admired the view.  Beachfront, logs for people to lean on, sailboats, and people fishing off the pier.

I forgot that if it was good this way it was likely I would have a headwind happening on the way back and sure enough I did!  At this point I decided a toque might not have been a bad idea.  Then I thought of my friends who were racing in Ironman. At that point they would have been on the bikes and I hoped they were having good day.  I thought about how long ago it was that I used to participate in Ironman and how different my life is today.  I did a check on whether or not I missed that life - I don't.

When I first started to run I did it because I wanted to try something new.  Then I ran because it was my saviour during a time in my life when things went all pear shaped.  Then I did it because I had to as part of my training.  Somewhere along the way I forgot the joy of running I had when I first started.  I have been running since then and liked it, but I was always comparing myself to what I used to be able to do.  That took some of the joy away.  On this day though, I got that joy back.  Pure joy.  I was running with no goal other than to see what happens.  I wasn't comparing to what I used to be able to do.  I was okay with stopping and taking my time.  I was savouring the sights and sounds.  Despite the rain, the wind, the cold and I was in a happy place.

I'm not sure when I will run again.  Perhaps I will try it again next weekend. Perhaps the weekend after.  Who knows.  In hindsight the hour that I was out was perhaps a bit long after the time off and the hip issues.  I will confess my running 'sins' to my acupuncturist when I see him tomorrow night.  I have a feeling I am going to look like a voodoo doll and there is the possibility I may levitate off the table when he sticks me in a few spots.  It was so worth it though...

Peace out my lovely friends!

Stab...

"The doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, in diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease." ~ Thomas Edison

So I'm working out at the gym the other day and doing some trap work.  At some point I felt a little tweak.  Or at least I thought I did, it was pretty subtle.  Hence, I kept doing what I was doing.  Big. Mistake.

Fast forward a couple of days later...I managed to ignore the ever creeping tightness and pain in my neck so I could enjoy, in my opinion, the best day of the year - Halloween.  I had a costume contest to attend, not to mention a wee four year old friend who was counting on her "Auntie" to escort her trick or treating.  But now I could ignore it any longer.

Last night I didnt' sleep a wink.  Every time I moved I had a shooting pain hit me.  By the time my alarm went off I knew I likely couldn't go into work.  Then I tried to get out of bed.  It was confirmed, I wasn't going in to work.  My upper body moved as one - I couldn't look left, or down.  I had troubles lifting my left arm too.  Hmmm.   This could be interesting.  The worst was when my love gave me a hug before he left for work and I just about passed out from the pain that shot through my neck.  Okay then...calling in to work and seeing if I could find a acupuncturist nearby because mine was on his day off. Not only that, I knew I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere so it had to be a place I could walk to.  

There was one place I used as a back up when my acupuncturist, Ryan, was unavailable.  I had been there a couple of times and commented once to Ryan that they were a bit more 'to the point' than 'Western' acupuncturists.  I say this with a smile of course.  Ryan laughed and said that yes, Western practitioners were usually a bit more 'tender' when it came to their patients then their Eastern counterparts.   Because I knew this I knew what to expect...

So I walked in, explained the situation and had a seat.  I expected she would be sticking needles into the region there was pain.  It would appear I have yet to learn that with acupuncture it's not always so straightforward.  She lifted my left paint leg and pressed on a spot that had me jump.  'Does that hurt?'  Uh, yeah.  STAB! In went the needle.  Ow.  Now not to scare anyone away from acupuncture - I am a firm believer in it - but sometimes they hit a spot that is REALLY hitting the spot.  This was one of those times.

So that was it...she put a needle in my leg for a pain in my neck.  Then she asked me to point out where the pain was, so I did.  I soon learned this tiny woman had a pair of the strongest hands in the world.  Like vise clamping hands.  After squeezing the heck out of me she asked me turn look up, down, side to side.  This was rather difficult to do, but I must admit, I had more movement than before.  Okay, this was a good sign.

She then told me to keep looking up down left right.  And she left the room.  Alrighty then... I focussed on my breathe while doing what she said.  Up...down...left...right...  My mind started to wander.  I started to sing the first few lines of 'Baby got back'.  Breathing in, breathing out...  Okay this was getting boring.  I looked at the time. Holy hannah I had been doing this for 25 minutes.  Please no more...  Finally she came back.  Only a little more and you can massage your neck.  Nooooo.

Thankfully it was only a few more minutes of this.  I had realized why she asked me if I had eaten...all this up down and side to side would give anyone motion sickness!!  Next up, sitting with suction cups on the sore areas.

The end result, I had some more movement and was no longer walking with my had tilted at an unnatural angle.   (This I only noticed when I looked in the mirror - hmm, that doesn't look quite right...) Funny how we naturally make little adjustments to protect ourselves.

I still hurt, but it's not as bad as it was.  We will see what the night brings.  Hopefully I can get a good nights sleep and not kink it in some way.

I often wonder why I get these kinks and nigglies when I exercise and look after myself.  I think it's just a natural part of aging, or so I am told.  Then I wonder what it would be like if I didn't exercise and take care of myself.  Yikes!  No thank you.  

Be grateful for all that your body gives you...even the nigglies.

Peace out my lovelies.

Lesson Learned...Finally??!!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

You would think I would have learned this lesson before...alas, if last week was any sign...I had not.

What lesson you ask?  Not to be afraid of the big bad UNKNOWN!

Fear of the unknown. Seriously, it must be one of the things we waste SO much time worrying about!  When I was a kid I would be paralyzed by that fear.  It held me back in so many ways.  As an adult I stood up to fear.  I challenged it.  And most times I came out on the positive end of that challenge.

Perhaps it was because the last time I competed in an organized sport was Ironman Cozumel in 2009.  And perhaps because that race was a total FAIL in so many ways that this fear of the unknown crept back up.  Who knows.  What I do know is I wasted precious time worrying about a little event I decided to try with my friend Kari.

The event - the Warrior Dash.  It is a mix of trail race and obstacle course.  These types of races seem to be popping up here and there nowadays.  Kari and I had finished a trail running clinic so this seemed like it would be a fun thing to do.  Of course after I signed up I started to look at the teeny tiny photos on the site which illustrated the obstacles we would have to get through.  This is when I started to worry.

• Holy crap, that looks really high, how I am going to climb over without falling?
• Vicious Valleys?  I have to bounce through it??  Huh??
• Hmm, those flames look pretty high...I am white girl with no vertical, how the heck do I jump over that without catching on fire??!!

Alas, that is a sample of the thoughts going through my head as I would try to sleep every night.  That coupled with visions of my being trampled, snapping a femur, or knocking teeth out.  Did I mention I have a brilliantly vivid imagination?  I would do better to put that imagination towards visualizing my career goals...

Anyways, the day finally came and we headed to the venue. First up, to survive the 1.5 hour long wait for a shuttle bus to take us up the mountain - the email received said there would be no parking allowed up there.  Thankfully most of the wait was in the shade. Plus it gave me time to check out most of the peeps up there.  Unlike triathlon, most of the people looked quite fit.  Not to say triathletes aren't, but triathlon is a wonderfully inclusive sport where you will find people of all shapes and sizes not to mention young to older.  The average age here was likely somewhere between 30 - 39 and slim but muscular.  This didn't add to my worry.  I wasn't here to race for a time or anything, just to have fun and not break anything.  

Finally, we got to the race site, the first thing we noticed was it was getting really really hot out.  The next thing we noticed was it was hard to figure out where to go to next!  The organization of the site was not well done.  I'm used to Ironman.  Every move you make is choreographed for the most part and there are a ton of volunteers kindly ushering you this way and that.  

We made our way to the finish area as we were able to see a couple of the obstacles.  That's when all fear of the obstacles drained out of me and I chastised myself for having been worried in the first place. We could see the "Warrior Roast" where you are to jump over 'flames'.  I am going to assume something happened with the propane supply because these 'roasting flames of death' were about 2 inches high.  Seriously.  We laughed.   Then we noticed the last obstacle, which was "Muddy Mayhem".  The online photo shows major mud that you crawl through underneath barbed wire.  Reality:  Muddy water and barbed wire strung about 3 feet above the water.   Huh.  Nothing scary about that!

The race start was in waves and really, although we had assigned times, you could go whenever the heck you felt like it.  No one checked.  I am sure they looked to see you had a race bib, but that was about it.  The race itself was pretty fun once we got past people afraid of a) hills and b) mud.  

The hills....this race took place on a ski hill.  Perhaps the most challenging aspect of this race was simply having to run up and down the friggin ski runs.  Rather...run/walk down, and hoof it back up.  No one, not even the fit of the fit, where running up the hills.  Oh, and the down???  I am convinced 99% of the people that were in this event do NOT trail run.  We got to a bit of single track switch back and they all STOPPED and WALKED!!!  UGH!  Kari and I did our best to run past them.  Not to mention people were tip toeing around the mud.  AROUND.   AGGGH!!!  Warriors run through mud people!  At least this allowed us to pass more folks, not to mention get a little mucky.  

The obstacles...these were completely misrepresented on the website.  The website photos show well engineered obstacles.  Reality were a bunch of contraptions thrown together with 2x4's and plywood.  The health & safety engineer in me was wondering if they were going to come apart as we climbed up over and across them!  However, there was one obstacle I couldn't have gotten over if Kari wasn't there, it was a wall of angled plywood about 7' high that one had to run up and grab onto the 2x4 at the top then hurl themselves over.  I am too short, and as mentioned above, have no vertical ability.  She was able to give me a foot up and then another girl shoved my butt up so I could climb over.  I then reached down to help the others.  Actually several people were doing that.  It was a really nice moment of camaraderie.  Needless to say we made it through these with flying colours and it did add a nice break from running up and down ski hills!  Oh, and not all the obstacles shown on the website were even there!!

Eventually we made it to the end and did our flying leap over the 2" flames...actually I almost tripped trying to make sure I didn't drag my foot.  Why is it so hard to jump over teeny tiny things??  Too funny.  Now that the race is all done I do wonder if I should write to the organizers to voice my thoughts on what I feel is some misrepresentation of the obstacles....

I was glad I did the race and I did learn a valuable lesson.  Rather, I relearned a valuable lesson - not to waste time on 'fear of the unknown'.  Eventually you will get to the time where you have to face the unknown and you will figure out what to do.  Not to mention it is never scarier than what our imaginations make up!  Plus...the unknown can sometimes deliver some incredible adventures!

Some photos after the race...the viking cap will be a great addition to a Halloween costume!  

Peace out my lovelies...and keep challenging yourself!

PS No injuries other than a scrapped knee from crawling in the grass and a sunburned scalp.  Ouch!

Starting with a smile!

 The lovely finishers medal...

 Gortex shoes...great for keeping water out...and for keeping water IN!

Kari and I enjoying the "Flashdance" style washdown!

 The coveted viking cap!

The view from the top - Mt. Baker in the background.

Juice Juice Baby...

"I submit that scientists have not yet explored the hidden possibilities of the innumerable seeds, leaves and fruits for giving the fullest possible nutrition to mankind." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I think it's safe to say that I have been exploring nutrition and in all it's various forms since I was about 16 years old.  In other words, for a very long time now.  I have battled weight gain since I was about that age too.

In my 20's I was super fit.  I taught aerobics (we are talking the 1990's here...), was involved in martial arts - I even assisted teaching that, and hit the gym to lift weights 5 days a week.  Then I went to university in my late 20s and everything stopped while I controlled panic attacks about not wanting to fail.  Bad food and alcohol were part of the regiment to get through school, sadly exercise was not.

In my 30's I got back onto the health train and was in great shape.  I went back into the gym, my happy place, lifted weights, and took up running.  I was lean and muscular and loved it.  I ate fairly healthy during that time, but no necessarily whole foods.  Throughout this time I still suffered from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).  That had been plaguing me since I was a child.  My late 30's brought me into the world of triathlon and Ironman.

I went into this phase lean and came out of it 20 lbs heavier.  Granted I was eating more, but hey, when you are swimming 12 km per week, and going for 100+ km bike rides you need to eat more!  Still, I wasn't gaining weight in a good way.  It was jiggly weight and it frustrated me.  I only know of a handful of others who experienced this phenomena - everyone else seemed to become lean mean triathlon machines!

I am now into my 40's.  I moved back to my beloved West Coast, I stopped the triathlon gig, got back into the gym and the trails, turned to a whole food, solely plant based diet and started to lean up again.  Even better, my allergies subsided and my IBS disappeared.

Forty is a glorious age to be, but there are it's challenges.  This, for me at least, is when your body gives you a hint at what aging may be like. Stuff starts to happen. For me it was major surgery a year ago that, due to some unforeseen complications, led to me not being able to workout, the way I was used to, for a longer period that I would have wanted.

The weight started to come back on.  Worse yet...the jiggly was back.  This is when I learned that it was harder to get the weight off.  At least this was the case for me and my body type.  I stuck to my whole food plant based diet, but I needed a jolt.  My metabolism needed a jolt.  I started working with a holistic nutritionist, Cara.  Her words "You eat a super clean diet, but you aren't seeing results. You are going to be a fun challenge."

That challenge led me to do a juice/smoothie cleanse for 10 days.  It was probably a good thing I watched the movie 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead'.  Joe Cross and Phil Staples juiced for 60 days in order to  lose some serious weight and reverse an autoimmune disease they both had.  The movie provided some support for this journey, not to mention a juice recipe!

I did some preparation before the cleanse so that it wouldn't be a horrible shock to my body.  I cut down on the grains, nuts and seeds I ate and boosted my fruits and veggies.  I also gave up the odd soy chai latte and vegan cookies that I had! The first few days I did that I was tired and had a three day headache.  Classic symptoms of a detox that usually occurs during a cleanse.  I hadn't even started the juice/smoothie phase yet!

I told my cousin's wife, Lisa, that I was doing the cleanse and she said she would do it with me.  I was super excited because most of the people in my life think my food habits are weird.  How to explain a cleanse?

My regime for the next 10 days was juice in the morning, smoothie at lunch, raw soup for dinner.  I gotta say first four days of the cleanse pretty much sucked.  I like food. I like chewing food.  I loved my juice, smoothies and soup, but I wanted something else. I wasn't hungry but I felt like I should be eating.  If that makes any sense. I was also always cold! Internally freezing no matter what.   Lisa had it worse than me though - she hadn't done the prep before and jumped right in.  The result, she had a rash, diarrhea, and acne.  Insane!

Then Day 5 hit and I had this crazy level of energy that I hadn't had in, well, I don't know if I have ever had that level of energy!!  I felt fantastic.  Sugar cravings were gone, and I wasn't having any of the 'you should be eating more food' thoughts.  I realized I didn't need as much food as I was used to pounding back.  Granted I had been eating 'clean' foods before, but you can still be eating too much!

What was in all the liquid meals I was making?  A TON of greens.  I went through 2 head of kale, 2 cucumbers, a bunch of celery, 4 apples, tons of berries, a pear, ginger, lemon and a head of romaine lettuce all by lunch.  Lots of fruit in the smoothie, a wide variety of veggies at dinner - broccoli, peppers, zucchini, tomato, carrots etc.  My body was not lacking in micronutrients.  Now here's a weird little fact...with all the raw foods I was eating (my soups are 'raw' as well - I make them in the Vitamix) I didn't have gas.  What's up with that??  Not that I was complaining.

The end result is that I feel great, I have a kickstarted my metabolism (I lost 7 lbs) and I have started to lean out again.  I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to the type of food I put in my body, and how much I need.   Today was the first day that I got to eat food that wasn't in liquid form.  Funny thing is, the first thing I made was some 'mean green juice'.  I really do love it.  I also had a banana with it...just for something to chew!

Oh, and I had some strange cravings while I was on this cleanse...at the beginning I craved cheese, which I haven't eaten in YEARS...towards the end I was craving grapefruit and a collard green wrap stuffed with veggies.  The grapefruit I had today was divine - although I only ate 1/4 of it - and I am just about to make some veggie pate for my collard greens wraps.  YUMMM!

I had been stocking up the fridge with fresh veggies and fruits all week, but today I expanded on my selection.  Behold my bounty!  This, of course, is not the end of this story.  I am a firm believer that the top five diseases in the North America would be less prevalent if people started eating a whole food diet. So I will continue researching all I can about the whole food lifestyle and tweaking my plant based diet.

If anyone has given thought to doing a cleanse, I would highly recommend it.  But the whole foods way - not the crazy herbal eat nothing way.  Oh, and Lisa made it through the cleanse despite the challenges she had the first few days.  I'm so proud of her!  I was glad to have a smoothie buddy too.  I seriously don't know how the 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead' guys did this for 60 days...and they were just on juice. Wow.

Resources that are great for learning about nutrition and your health are 'The China Study' by Dr Colin Campbell, 'Whole Foods to Thrive' by Brendan Brazier, and 'Eat to Live' by Dr Joel Fuhrman.

Peace out my lovelies...and go enjoy a juice today!

Postscript....  
It's been four days since I ended the juice smoothie cleanse and I feel great.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but I can honestly say I feel like someone has hit a reset button within me.  Nothing I have done in the past has rid me of my sugar cravings, or the constant feeling like I should eat even though I just did (trust me I was never starving myself - I love food!), or the lightheadedness I would sometimes get throughout the day no matter if I just finished eating or not.   I have energy.  I feel light.  It's wonderful!

A is for Adventure...and Arse.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." ~ Author Unknown

Today I went on a trail run.  I met up with a couple of friends and off we went.  We were running up the Canyon, which is one of my most favourite routes.  I used to run this route all the time before my surgery and today would be the first time in a year that I would give it a go.

I knew it would be a challenge even though I've been hitting the trails more and more.  It didn't help that my back has been acting up.  But oh, how I so longed to run along this trail. It's brilliant.  Lots of up, roots, rocks, trees, the sound of the river.  It's brilliant.  So I took a risk and went.

Things didn't quite go as I had hoped.  I knew I would be slow, but I wasn't prepared for the fact that my lungs didn't like all the up and stairs as much as I do.  Then there was the ice.  It had warmed up and been raining for the past day or so, but it didn't wash away the ice within the trees.  Within a few meters of the trailhead my feet went ahead of me, at the same time, and without my consent.

It was quite an interesting fall - I could feel both feet, and of course my legs, start to slide forward. I don't think my feet actually left the ground.   Of course gravity was pulling everything down so the next thing to move towards the earth was my arse.  For some reason I put my hands down.  I am so very thankful I've been strengthening my wrists in yoga!  I managed for them to hit first, then my arse hit.  It was sort of a slow motion start then a quick thud finish.  Aiyaaa.

My first thought was my back.  It didn't seem to be in worse shape than it had been when I started. Phew.  Needless to say I was more watchful of the ice!  There were a lot of spots we had to walk, which was a relief because it allowed my lungs to have a break.  This whole breathing and need for oxygen thing can be rather frustrating at times!

When almost at the top I sent my friends on and bid them adieu.  There was less ice and I knew I was holding them up so it was time to part ways.  I headed back over the suspension bridge and started my run home.  It was about then that I could feel my back start to seize up.  Then I got a stitch in my front side.  This was getting ridiculous.

As I hobble ran I started to think about the whole trail running thing.  I love it.  It is my happy place.  Even though I didn't have the run I had hoped for, and I was a bit of a hurting unit from the fall, and I am sure I had mud on my face after wiping the dirt off my butt, then wiping something off my face....I was still happy to be out there.

I thought to myself, every run is an adventure.  Then I started to think about what each letter could spell out.  This kept me distracted from my slowly stiffening back for the last part of the run...

A = Arse, it's a wonderful cushion.
D = Doggies!! they love being on the trails and I love stopping and giving them a wee scritch.
V = Victorious, no matter how you get through the run, you will always be victorious.
E = Euphoria, the feeling you get from being in nature.
N = Nickers, no need to get your nickers in a knot if you stumble, walk, or have a snot rocket go wild!
T = Trees! Trees! and More Trees!
U = Ultimate, fun, excitement, rush, thrill, challenge, adventure.
R = Roots, rocks, and so many other fun things to hop and run over.
E = Excitement, especially after running a challenging part, and getting up all the stairs without stopping.

So I didn't have the run I had hoped for.  It's all good.  I now have a new goal - to get back to the state where I was before my surgery that allowed me to run this route!  Oh, and to run up ALL the stairs!! Woot!

Peace out my lovelies...

What A Girl Wants...

"I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness.  That is clear.  Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion, or that religion, we all are  seeking something better in life.  So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness..." ~ H.H. Dalai Lama

I've been on a quest for some time now.  The quest for inner peace.  That quest has taken me on some very interesting journey's.  Although I have obtained a certain amount of inner peace, and I have learned many things about myself, the quest continues.  Not that that should be a shock.  Of course the quest continues - there is so much to learn!

Lately, I have come to the realization that I have no idea how to relax.  Wait.  That's a lie.  I have known for sometime that I don't know how to relax, but I THOUGHT I had figured it all out.  Definitely, when I had a daily meditation practice, I was much calmer.  A new job with a long commute seemed to put an end to that practice and since then I have kept saying I need to get it back.

A recent surgery and recovery period brought to light, once again, that I still haven't mastered the art of 'just being'.  The lack of a daily meditation practice certainly contributed to the realization.  Still, it was a hard pill to swallow.  These things tend to come to light when you spend three weeks mostly horizontal. As my body had nothing to do but heal, my mind took over in the 'keep busy' department.

Since this re-discovery, as shall we call it, I have tripped along trying to find ways to be more calm.  To reach that place of peace that I felt I once had.  Perhaps if I can obtain that place once again, I may actually be able to sleep.  See, for me, one of the downsides of not relaxing, or having inner peace, is that I don't get a good nights sleep.  Sure, I may appear to be sleeping, but really I am in that upper layer of sleep where even a bugs sneeze can awaken me.  I dream a lot too, which leads to waking up exhausted because I have been so busy in my sleep.

Part of the problem is I am a planner.  This can be a good quality and it can be a bad quality.  An example if you will - I am about to merge homes with my partner, M.  This will entail a move of my belongings from my current rental to a new rental a couple of blocks away, and his move from a city four hours away.  Phew.  Can you imagine how my mind is working like a gerbil on a wheel??  Sleep?Ha, not until the move I am sure!  (At which point my mind will find something else to glom onto.)

So the good quality of being a planner in a situation like this is I have formulated move times, gathered gracious friends to help, called the utilities, organized moving van, taken measurements of the new place, secured storage for extra items that won't fit and have, and, in my mind, determined where all of our merged items will go in the new place.

The bad quality of being a planner, all of the above has been done in advance of required and has reduced my sleep ability to almost non existent.   A lot of this planning, aside from calling around, has been done in my head as I sleep, or eat, or sit, etc.

To those who know me this whole planning thing will be of no surprise.  What may surprise them is I wish I didn't do this!  Okay, I do like having a plan.  But I really don't want to be thinking like this ALL THE TIME.  I want quiet in my head.  I want to sleep like a kitten in your lap.  I want to stop the monkey brain! You'd think it would be easy just to shut it off!

And of course what has helped, in the past, with this quieting of the monkeys?  Sitting meditation.  So why am I not doing it?  I don't know.

Perhaps it's because I am spending my time trying to find relaxing things to do.  As I write that I am giggling to myself. I am sure there is an oxymoron in there.  I have come to the realization that I want too many things.  I want it all.  I want to be fit and healthy so I used to run and participate in triathlon.  Then when I moved here I hit the trails hiking and running.  All until an unexpected trip to the emergency room, (aren't they all unexpected??) turned my life around.  I spent four months pretty much doing nothing except being frustrated at not being able to do anything physical.

Now that i can do something physical, I have decided to take up yoga again.  I figure this would be one way that I could tap into the meditation I love so much, but also to get my body started back on the path to total wellness.  In addition to this, I have started hiking again.  I am waffling on getting back into running, but seeing as I would like to start barefoot running, I have decided this is as good a time as any. Mainly because I will have to go back to square one of running.

In addition to this, I am learning more about food and it's relationship to health and the environment.  Which means reading a vast array of books on veganism and raw foods.  I've also signed up for a raw food chef class.  Again this is part of the total wellness quest.

Then there are all the other things I love to do:  being with M, kayaking, swimming, riding my Harley, visiting with friends, seeing family, volunteering, exploring, reading, writing, knitting, sitting....

Are you starting to see a pattern here?

I want to do everything and yet I want to relax.  How to fit it all in, without the aid of winning the lottery so I don't have to work full time ergo I would have more spare time??

That I will have to discover I guess...  Today I made an honest effort to relax.  I drank tea in bed and read.  At least till 8 am.   I read in my livingroom after that.  I did make some buckwheat crispies in the dehydrator and started the tomato wraps going, but that was pretty relaxing.  The dehydrator does all the work.  And I sat and read in between that.  Oh, and I attempted a nap!  I managed to stay horizontal for 30 minutes...too bad I didn't fall asleep.  My mind was busy with the thought of whether or not I should put together the new IKEA dresser I got.  I looked at the box.  I put the box flat on the floor.  Then I said to myself, 'Susi, just walk away.  Leave it be....'  Likely a good thing as M said he wanted to do it.  He is a blessing to me!!

Okay, so maybe it wasn't a total relaxation day, but it was a start.  Every new day is a start come to think of it.

As I write this I see my meditation cushion and it's calling to me.  Perhaps I will go have a good sit.  That sounds pretty relaxing....

Peace out my lovelies...

What A Long, Strange Trip...

"Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been." ~ Grateful Dead 

Well now that was an intersting little journey.  The past eight weeks that is.  The journey will continue, of course, but hopefully with less drama.  And pain.

I had certain expectations of my time off after surgery.  I was going to knit, catch up on reading (technical reading even), and learn the German language.  What I spent most of the time doing was hanging on for dear life the positive attitude that I thought would get me through anything and everything.  I did learn a lot from this experience - the biggest lessons being that I don't know how to relax and that a positive attitude can be harder to hang on to than one thinks...

The beginning of all this started with the emergency hopsital visit and the subsequent surgery.  Things looked bright just before I went under the knife.  My surgeon, bless him over and over again, was going to proceed with the surgery in a way that was going to be difficult for him, because of the size of the fibroid and utereus, but in the long run would be good for me and my active lifestyle.  I will forever be grateful for him putting his patients needs first!

As I am still breathing, it is obvious the surgery went well; however as they were wheeling me out of the surgery room, or somewhere, the first challenge hit - a severe asthma attack.  I was just coming out of my drug induced fog so I have no idea how I got into the seated position, but I do know that I couldn't take a breath without some rattling happening in my lungs, non stop coughing, and severe pain in my abdomen where I had just had my girly bits removed.  Coughing was really something I didn't want to do for a long time, and this type was especially painful.  I think they put oxygen on me or something, but finally it the attack was calmed.  I rememeber my doctor looking at me with very wide eyes.  I must say, this was not comforting. 

It turns out my exercise induced asthma can also be triggered by stress and, as I was told after, I will have to be careful about this from now on because of the severity of this attack.  Ugh.

The week in the hospital was the worst part of this whole journey.  First the attack, then air bubbles in my I.V. tube and a nurse who said 'Oh don't worry it won't hurt you!'  It took me having a complete 'insane patient' crying, yelling, and if I could have moved I would have been jumping up and down meltdown to get her to take the IV out of me.  I'm sure any medical people reading this may say, 'Ah, it was nothing to worry about really.'  However, I was terrified like I had never been in my life and when the I.V. machine kept alarming even with her telling me not to worry - it was time to have the meltdown.  I'm sure it didn't help that I was coming off my morphine induced coma.

Speaking of the morphine, it turns out I get one of the side effects - itchiness.  Seriously, having itching on your legs when you can't move because your abdomen is all stiched up and you have inflatable compression thingys on them making you sweat is like slow torture. 

I must say one thing about morphine though.  Apparantly even though I felt completely out of it, to the point that it seemed like my eyes would roll backwards into my head everytime I tried to open them, I was told I appeared coherent.  I recall my parents being in the room, and Julie calling on my Dad's mobile and me talking to her; however, I do not recall helping my parents plan their move and explaining what should be done, nor do I remember my conversation with Julie, which she had to remind me of.  Very interesting....  The parental unit told me later that I appeared to know what I was talking about...hmmm....I actually still have no idea what I said to them!  Giggle. At least it seems everything I suggested worked out!

I did manage to have some fun while in the hospital.  Part of the recovery was to try and walk.  Oh how easy that sounds.  Afterall, I had been walking for at least 40 years now!  Alas, there was the pain factor.  I must say, all that Ironman training came in handy when dealing with the pain factor.  I was now off the morphine so really had to rely on just breathing.  Deeply.  I tried to walk around the ward, but part way through I would want to keel over.  My Mom or Dad would be walking with me and being my support and could tell when I would start to restrict the blood flow in their arm that I was done walking.  

Oh, right, the fun part.  Well that was in the form of a little ol' dear that I would see walking past my hopsital room.  She had a pretty good pace and I was determined to match it!  I started with a mere shuffling of my froggy slippers.  I kept scheming as to how I could get faster and beat her.  In fact, my sole purpose was to leave her in my dust.  None of my plans panned out however, and she left me in her dust.  And she lapped me.  Oh the humiliation....  I still have thoughts of going back there, dressing up in hospital clothes and beating her!  Assuming she is still there of course, which really, I hope she isn't. 

After the stay at the hospital it was all about recovery at home.  Home being wherever I was with my parents or Marco looking after me.  The first few weeks I was with my folks while Marco finished his work up North.  I want it written for the record that I really do have the best parents in the world.  Now I know you may think you do, but I'm sorry, you don't.  My folks win hands down because when the doctor and nurse told them I had to be treated like a Princess while I recovered, they did.   Well, at least until I felt well enough to be cheeky and say 'The Princess would like a cup of tea please...'  That's when Mom gave me the finger and dad just laughed at me.  Priceless!

After the stay with the parental unit, Marco took over 'Princess Duty' and did a wonderful job!  He was my rock through this - as cheesy as that may sound!  As you read on, you will understand that his job was not as easy as it may sound...

I will spare every little detail of the last eight weeks.  Suffice it to say that my emotions would get the better of me most times, and I never know how much I treasured the ability to walk, heck just move on my own, so much!  I hurt.  A lot.  I thought I could deal with the pain.  Some days I could.  I would be positive about it all and tell myself that this is all just short term stuff.  Then I would set about whatever task it was I was trying to do, get out of bed, use the washroom, shower, and I would just take it one breath at a time.  These tasks took double the usual amount of time, but I dealt with it. 

Some days though, the pain got to me, the inability to walk got to me, the stress and guilt of having people look after me, Miss Independent, got to me, and that's when I would cry and have a wee pity party for myself.  Mom, Dad and Marco were the witnesses to all of this.  Of course, I would get even more ticked when I would cry or feel negative.  I saw some of the people in the hospital.  I was lucky!  This WAS a short period in my life and I would heal from it.  Others aren't so lucky.  The mind is a strange and powerful thing though and when I would get upset...I would get upset!  Even though I knew I should stay positive about all the little accomplishments and all the good things that were happening.

I seemed to somehow place myself on some sort of healing schedule.  I figured because I was young, relatively speaking, in good health and quite fit, that I should be running up and down stairs in no time.  So when I still couldn't walk for more than a little while after 5 weeks, and it was only supposed to take 6 weeks healing, the frustration bubbled up.  I was to see my doctor for my scheduled check up and as soon as I saw him he said those words that men should never say to a woman on the edge....'How are you doing?' 

That's when I burst into tears.  I mumbled incoherently about not being able to walk, the pain, not having paid sick time from work, cancelling vacation, blah blah blah.   Again I will point out how wonderful my doctor is.  First off he explained the pain - it turns out that my ovary was adhered to my abdominal wall. So in addition to having my internal girly bits removed the doctor also had to try and detach this. It couldn't be totally detached, so they did what they could. This was causing me all the pain and why it felt like something it was tearing and burning on my right side when I would try and walk!

Next he said I needed to relax.  Really relax.  I made it my goal to do so for the next two weeks I was off on leave.  I am happy to report, I think I have a better hang of relaxing then I did before.  Granted, I still keep thinking, I need to knit! I need to study German! I need to read up on failure analysis techniques! I need to organize things!  But I catch myself thinking that and say, I need to sit and have a cup of tea. 

I am a firm believer that if you are open to it, you can learn lessons with every challenge or obstacle you are given.  I learned a lot these last eight weeks.  I hope I keep remembering them, but I know if I don't, the Universe will remind me some way.  The biggest thing I hope to do is stay more positive in times of trouble.  I really thought I would through all this, but it was harder than I expected!  I have a new appreciation for, and truly admire, people who face unending illness or other challenges and who maintain a positive outlook.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing support from my family and friends!!!  They helped me discover that laughter truly is the best medicine, and that it's okay to lean on others.  Every day I give thanks for all of you and mentally shower you with peace, love and hugs!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Now it's on to baby steps in getting back to my 'normal' life.  Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I will also attempt to get back into the gym.  I promise, I will go SLOW.  Oh, and there is swimming... And of course making sure I continue to RELAX!  Granted, that wasn't part of my 'normal' life before, but will be from now on.  I can see now how much I need it. 

Peace out my lovely friends and may you continue to be blessed with good health!