Can anyone tell me when the heavy feeling in my heart will go away? Please. Because to be honest I am getting tired of feeling this way.
It's been 18 days since my friend Tiggers passing and I still have moments where I feel as bad as I did when I got the news. Today is one of those days when I am having several of those moments. Just when I think I'm dealing with her loss, blammo, I just want to sit and sob. So I do.
Is this natural? How much can one person mourn? I don't want to cry when I think of her. That's not what she was all about. She was full of life, love and laughter. I almost feel guilty for feeling so bad - but still, that's not enough to stop the crying and the heavy heart.
The times when I'm not feeling bad I wonder if I'm forgetting her. Or I think that maybe I'm not allowing my feelings to surface and that I'm not dealing with this. It's rather confusing.
I am still training of course. Training = sanity. Which is rather amusing considering I'm training for a race that most would deem totally insane.
I love running outside because I like to think Tigger is viewing the scenery through my eyes. Last Fridays morning run was like that. It was about 6:15 am when I went out - such a peaceful time. The birds were chirping their morning greetings as I ran by. The run was only 40 minutes but it provided much needed peace.
The world is coming alive after it's winter hibernation and it's so beautiful. I love being able to hear the water in the creek rushing past me now that the ice has melted. And let's not forget the smell of dirt now that the ground is thawing. Who knew dirt could smell so good?
I truly hope Tigger can still feel these things through me. I know she loved this time of year, especially with all the wee cows being born.
Today I was seriously thinking of passing on my bike workout. I just feel so blah. Plus, it's hard to train when you can't breath for the crying. Then I thought of Tigger. She wouldn't let my melancholy be an excuse not to work out. I don't have the energy to get my bike road ready today, so even though it's nice out I'm going to head down to the dungeon.
Perhaps I can peddle the sadness out of my body. It's worth a shot at least.
Peace out my lovely friends.