Sunday, 19 April 2009


Can anyone tell me when the heavy feeling in my heart will go away? Please. Because to be honest I am getting tired of feeling this way.

It's been 18 days since my friend Tiggers passing and I still have moments where I feel as bad as I did when I got the news. Today is one of those days when I am having several of those moments. Just when I think I'm dealing with her loss, blammo, I just want to sit and sob. So I do.

Is this natural? How much can one person mourn? I don't want to cry when I think of her. That's not what she was all about. She was full of life, love and laughter. I almost feel guilty for feeling so bad - but still, that's not enough to stop the crying and the heavy heart.

The times when I'm not feeling bad I wonder if I'm forgetting her. Or I think that maybe I'm not allowing my feelings to surface and that I'm not dealing with this. It's rather confusing.

I am still training of course. Training = sanity. Which is rather amusing considering I'm training for a race that most would deem totally insane.

I love running outside because I like to think Tigger is viewing the scenery through my eyes. Last Fridays morning run was like that. It was about 6:15 am when I went out - such a peaceful time. The birds were chirping their morning greetings as I ran by. The run was only 40 minutes but it provided much needed peace.

The world is coming alive after it's winter hibernation and it's so beautiful. I love being able to hear the water in the creek rushing past me now that the ice has melted. And let's not forget the smell of dirt now that the ground is thawing. Who knew dirt could smell so good?

I truly hope Tigger can still feel these things through me. I know she loved this time of year, especially with all the wee cows being born.

Today I was seriously thinking of passing on my bike workout. I just feel so blah. Plus, it's hard to train when you can't breath for the crying. Then I thought of Tigger. She wouldn't let my melancholy be an excuse not to work out. I don't have the energy to get my bike road ready today, so even though it's nice out I'm going to head down to the dungeon.

Perhaps I can peddle the sadness out of my body. It's worth a shot at least.

Peace out my lovely friends.


  1. Susi...grief is very personal and there is NO normal to it. Everyone handles it in a different way and there is certainly no time limit. My cousin was killed in a car accident 20 years ago and my aunt and uncle STILL cry when they see photos or hear stories or talk about him...
    I think the lesson is that life is short! Live it! Of course take your moments to remember Tigger and whatever happens in those moments is personal to you.

  2. It will take as long as it takes. For now, you're still grieving. Don't worry about it. If you need to cry, then take the time to do it. Ummm, preferably NOT while blasting down a big hill, please and thank you. Keeping up the workouts will help, even if you don't particularly feel like doing them.

    One of the things I've read that is said to help, is to plant something. Not too big, not too small, something that is not an annual. Something that needs to be taken care of, periodically repotted, pruned, watered, fertilized, ect. Plant it in memory of Tigger. Think of her when tending it. The theory seems to be that if you know there is a time to regularly grieve and think about her, you are less likely to be overcome at awkward times.

  3. It's only been 18 days --- that is nothing, my beautiful friend. Sometimes tears are like liquid sunshine -- flowers need sun AND rain to grow -- we do too. Crying and feeling sad is not a "bad" thing.

    It is what it is. Walk through these experiences and try not to be so harsh on yourself. You have so much love in your heart for your friend, it is leaking out through your eyes, is all.

    I agree with everything Kelly and Keith have said. Using your training as an anchor is a good idea -- that tactic has helped me.

    You are not alone, my friend. I think it is beautiful that you are seeing spring through your friend's eyes. Jenna did something for me when Diva passed away (I know it is NOTHING compared to what you are going through, however.) She sent me a frame and told me to put a picture of Diva in it that made me smile, that way, every time I looked at it, good feelings would come out instead of sadness.

    I am here for you always.

    Here is a big purple hug coming at you....

    :) :)

  4. Awww Suze. 18 days. It is still so fresh. Hugs. I agree with the wisdom of what all have said before me, it is a personal thing. No time limit. You will deal with it in your own way. In time. Breath in the fresh air for Tigger. Inhale the smell of the dirt and to her. Your relationship is still there even though physically she has moved on ... share with her like always. She was blessed to be loved so deeply by you but she would want you do shed your tears, inhale deeply and trudge on my friend, through all the stuff you must, to reach the side where peace is. Here for you...hugs. Frame that picture of Tigger and You ( I think you have already on your fireplace) and remember that she did her best to squeeze each bit she could from her days here and she wants that for you too. I love the idea of planting something, a memorial garden...

  5. SUES both Kelly & Keith are on to something. Why not find out if Cochrane allows planting of trees in parks or wherever and make a donation or do it yourself with the EEladies & make it a celebration of LIFE. Moeder hopes this will get you thinking out of pity/patter mode. Life is tough but friends help us through hard parts.

  6. The heavy feeling in your heart has already lifted - ever so slightly. It's just not enough for you to notice yet. I'd love to give you a time frame but when you're talking DAYS, not enough. Your heart WILL feel light again and the feeling of guilt because you're laughing at something will pass too. Channel her energy, think about her, not that she's gone but her and how she was to you!

  7. Thank you for your thoughts and ideas. At Tiggers service they handed out wee potted flowers. I managed to snag a cute dark purple african violet. In the past, I haven't been able to keep the flowers going on african violets...this time though will be different. I've been giving it lots of love and attention.

    Although I had been attending it, I had forgotten what that plant represented - so thank you for giving that back to me. It will help with the grieving.

    Much love and blessings to all.

  8. This was a beautiful tribute to your friend; I am so sorry for your loss. I especially liked this part: "I love running outside because I like to think Tigger is viewing the scenery through my eyes."
    And the part about training=sanity which is ironic given what you're training for-nicely put.

    I think each person has their own way of dealing with loss. I don't think you should deny your natural emotions-one day it will be easier but I think in the meantime cry all you need to-it's your own way of remembering and loving. Hang in there!

  9. Susi said "Perhaps I can peddle the sadness out of my body."

    Have you had any takers? What sort of price are you selling your sadness for? Given that it's finest quality sadness, from the highest and purest emotion, from a certified emotion factory, with a superb warranty, you ought to be able to get a good price.

    Homophones are such fun in English. And no, that has nothing to do with gender relationships.

    And yes, I'm gently tugging Susi's chain, hoping to get a smile at least.

  10. Oh, Susi, I am so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. It's so hard to deal with and I think everything you are doing is natural and normal. Hang in will get easier. I still get sad about my grandma but it is a lot better than it was. And that doesn't mean you're not thinking about them (when some days it escapes you altogether). It's just part of the healing process, I think. Hugs from CO.

  11. Hey Susi,

    I thought of you as we were riding out to Cochrane, as Chad and I get better at this plan making stuff we will come out and you can show us the ropes. We have never really ridden out there, so we have a lot to learn!

    I read your blog this morning and really thought about what you had to say. I lost my mom and step dad in a car accident 3 years agao and I am at the point now where sometimes I smile and laugh in memory, but also still cry. The best thing I can tell you is that it will come in waves...somedays good...some days it will feel like someone turned on the faucet and you can't turn it off.

    Let the emotions come and deal with them as they face you. You will never forget your friend, that I promise you. You will think about her and not even realise it. Right now it's just fresh.

    Take care,

  12. Hi Susi. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Everyone has such good comments, and I completely agree with the idea that everyone grieves differently, the length of someone's grief has nothing to do with the amount of love they have for the person, and you will someday feel better. Little tiny tiny baby steps.

    You'll probably always feel a little sad, but someday those feelings will be outweighed by feelings of acceptance and fond rememberance. I'm sure you know all of this, about all the stages of grief, but nothing feels 'right' when you are grieving so much and it's still so fresh in your life. 18 days is fresh. This was a life, a friendship, a companion that is no longer's OK to feel how you feel.

    My heart goes out to you. My best-friend died during swim practice when I was 12, and I still think about her nearly every single day, 19 years later. I remember thinking that the world would NEVER be back to normal, that I would never feel happy again. And I know it's different when you are older, you form different types of friendships than when you are 12, but grief is will get there, and all the crying you are doing, and the laughing, and the remembering....will eventually get you to a place where you feel more like 'normal'.

    Sending you more hugs from Colorado.

  13. OMgosh. And the point of my story was not to say you'll be sad for 19 years. What I meant to say was that those memories will be fond ones, good times you shared together as well as memories of the things you liked about Tigger...happy feelings, not sad ones.

    Sorry for the long comments, I just wanted to explain :-)